#16: Television super-duos

18 09 2008

That holy centerpiece of our lives (the television, what were you thinking?) has brought bisexuals a sacred iconography of bisexualism: the television duo. These days, television is overpopulated with with canned procedurals, one-hour dramas, general Law and Order and CSI spin-offs, and other tawdry mindless entertainment. But what separates a mere duo from a super-duo is mixed gender, sharp wit, sexual tension, and crime and/or generalized problem-solving. The quintissential super-duo is Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. Other super-duos include Bristow and Vaughn, Benson and Stabler, Grissom and Sidle, and Brennan and Booth. That damn Lost show has too many characters to count.

Seriously, who are these people?

What makes a super-duo truly super is the sexual tension. X-Philes hung on for years solely to see if Mulder and Scully would or wouldn’t. This sexual tension provides bisexuals with hours of masturbatory material. Of course, the super-duo has to be mixed gender, and both parties must be attractive. Otherwise, the dynamic (and appeal to bisexuals) falls flat on its face. Not many people wanted to be in a Briscoe and Logan sandwich. (Probably not many people wanted to be in a Grissom and Sidle sandwich either, but goddamn his DILF and her dykish gap-tooth appeal!)

There has to be danger, too, and a mystery to solve. Bisexuals are busy people, what with their brunches to run off to and cowboys to hogtie. You have to get and keep their attention with a compelling storyline. Or at least one with drinking game potential. (Drink every time Benson reminds you of your old therapist.) Sexual tension only sizzles when your super-duo is ten minutes away from death (hello, quickie).

Sharp wit turns a sexy, crime-solving duo into a sexy, crime-solving super-duo. We love our puns and we love our humor that appeals to our sexy brains. Bisexuals are easily bored, so television writers have to work hard to keep our attention. After all, the one we spend watching Bristow bring down government conspiracies is the hour we could be having sex with multiple semi-strangers. Sure, Mulder and Scully could have just talked, but without the wry, sexually-tense banter, it would be just talking.

While television seems to be taken over currently by supposedly smart ensemble shows (I mean you, Lost) and shows about sardonic loner differently-abled mavericks (and I don’t mean John McCain’s forth-coming reality show), there will always be a slot and an audience for television super-duos. At least as long as bisexuals roam the earth.

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3 responses

19 09 2008
p-whipped

ellie and i play alias drinking games – drink everytime bristow says she’ll never forgive someone. drink everytime someone calls vaughn a stupid pretty boy. it’s endlessly intoxicating (zing)

19 11 2008
aspasialibertine

As a huge Battlestar Galactica fan, I can’t believe you left out President Laura Roslin and Admiral William Adama, Number Six/Baltar and Starbuck/Apollo. Their sexual tensions heightened by the fact that, well, the human race is pretty much extinct.

29 12 2008
Annie Scott

Couldn’t they have found Duchovny a better dress? Or an iron? Geez. They could find a mouse and not an iron?

FAIL.

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