#10: Asses

10 08 2008

Nipples, yawn. Thighs, so last year. We as a culture have grown tired of the same body parts airbrushed and repackaged back to us magazine after countless magazine. America is in need of a new body part to fetishize, and the mainstream is finally hopping on the right caboose, to unveil the wonders of a body part that bisexuals have been adoring for years: The Ass.

“The qualities that make the ass ‘beautiful’ and ‘well-formed’ are not fixed, as sexual aesthetics of the buttocks vary considerably from culture to culture, from one period of fashion to another” says Wikipedia. And as Salon.com and Gisele Bundchen have taught us – The Ass is the new Crack (#1).

It’s no great secret that bisexuals love them some ass. Let’s take a look at the obvious, shall we? While other erogenous parts are hopelessly gendered, the ass remains neutral, and the qualities that make it arousing can be applied to anyone with hind quarters. And, aside from having the second highest concentration of nerve endings (the first being the genitals, obvs.), the asshole is also the equal opportunity orifice; it evens the playing field of sexual conquest and exploits the heteronormative dichotomy of penetrator/penetratee.

“The derriere isn’t a body part as much as an embodiment of personality,” claims the June issue of Elle magazine in its six-page spread devoted to the visible posterior. Of course, they were trying to hock their new butt-hottening regimen, which includes creams, waxing, tanning and massages that “facilitate lymphatic drainage, causing the skin to plump, making dimpling less noticeable.” Nothing turns me on like talk of lymphatic drainage.

Despite Elle’s general ass-hattery, they do have a point. The term “ass” can be applied to many situations and characteristics of someone’s personality. A short list: a “tight ass” (stingy) “pain in the ass” (annoying), “hard ass” (difficult), “haul ass” (urgency), “kick one’s ass” or “open a can of whoop ass” (to beat to a pulp), “get some ass” (sex) or “asshole” (jerk). If you extend the slang terms of ass more broadly, you can create a whole lexical stew of meaning and association – caboose, rump, tail, booty, backside, anal, tush, and my favorite, bottom, which connotes everything from Shakespeare to sexual proclivities.

Let’s explore this tunnel a little further (zing!). The verb to spank is the only one specifically meant for physical discipline of a specific part of the body. The ass is THE target for punishment, as a child’s reprimand yes, but more widely as a form of sexual pleasure. To be spanked adds a psychological component to pleasure and few masochists are wont to turn down a good paddling, as it provides some much needed humiliation, and also sexual healing.

Lastly, you didn’t think you’d get away without a reference to the bis (or should I say bi-peds?) of the animal kingdom (#5), did you? In addition to allowing primates the ability to sit upright without difficulty, the ass plays a necessary role for female baboons in attracting their mates. They have red buttocks that “blush” in order to signal their scandalous intentions, which brings new meaning to the term booty call.




2 responses

11 08 2008


6 05 2010

The picture of the cyclists reminds me of another thing bisexuals like: body painting!

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