#5: Talking about bisexuality in animals to validate our identities

26 07 2008

You’ve probably heard about Roy and Silo, the two male penguins from the Central Park Zoo in New York, whose gay canoodling caused quite a stir, a book deal (that was soon to be black listed), and an uproar on Fox News, who instituted a Code Orange: Terrorist Armageddon alert on the evening news. A few years later, however, Roy and Silo became Ex-Gays. They, thankfully, underwent Heterosexual Reconditioning at the Church of Latter-Day Penguins. At least that’s the reason noted on the press release. Word on the street is that Roy left Silo because he never replaced the toilet paper, and even when he did, he let the dangling square unroll from the bottom, which is definitely on our list of “Reasons to Stop Fucking Someone.”

In reality, Roy and Silo were not gay, but part of the 1,500 species of wild and captive animals that have been observed engaging in bisexual activity. As Scientific American Mind recently noted, “Many species seem to have ingrained homosexual tendencies that are a regular part of their society. That is, there are probably no strictly gay critters, just bisexual ones.”

“Animals don’t do sexual identity. They just do sex,” says sociologist Eric Anderson of the University of Bath in England. But you know who does do sexual identity, Eric? The writers of this blog! Since bisexuality is so often invalidated as a legitimate sexual identity, one of the ways we counter this silly argument is with the help of Mother Nature, who makes an incredible spinach quiche, by the way. You’ll often be able to spot the bisexual at dinner parties as the one cornering someone at the dip table with a lecture on the bonobo chimp or the mating habits of black swans.

“Did you know that bisexuality in animals serves as a peace keeping strategy? I was reading Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape at the gym recently and it is just amazing what bisexuality can do to ease social tensions…much like this awkward exchange we’re having now!”

Playing the bisexuality-in-animals card allows us the indulgence of using scientific evidence to sanction our self-esteem. It also makes us seem nerdy-smart, which we think will score us points with the strapping young lad or lady in the argyle sweater-vest. Plus, bisexuality is so common in the animal kingdom, we think talking about it frequently will confer the evolutionary advantages to people who think bisexuality doesn’t exist or that it’s a cop-out. Though, we’re not sure if comparing our sexuality to fruit flies or whiptail lizards is really going to spark the intellectual discussion we so desperately seek. But until it does, we will continue the important crusade of outing animals like Roy and Silo, who, while championed as gay heroes, were actually just a couple of sluts. I mean, bisexuals.




One response

10 08 2008
#10: Asses « stuff bisexuals like

[…] you’d get away without a reference to the bis (or should I say bi-peds?) of the animal kingdom (#5), did you? In addition to allowing primates the ability to sit upright without difficulty, the ass […]

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