#3: Hating on Tila Tequila

22 07 2008

Model cum Actress cum Singer/Songwriter cum Fashion Designer (all terms as loosely defined as Tila Tequila’s asshole), this out and proud bisexual is a girl we love to hate. Not only because her sexuality can be summed up as “gay for pay,” but because she, like the incredibly talented Shaquille O’Neal, thinks that MySpace hits somehow equates to musical talent. A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, which aired in 2007, was the first bisexual-themed reality dating show, “where sixteen straight men and sixteen lesbians competed for Tequila’s affections, the twist being that the contestants were not aware of her bisexuality until the end of the first episode.” It took the contestants an entire episode to figure it out because they thought they had, in fact, signed up for a foam party.

When she’s not spreading her badonkadonk around MTV and the interwebs, she’s advocating for the rights of the sexually repressed. As she told Us Magazine, Ms. Tequla claims she’s responsible for the legalization of gay marriage in California: “It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Like any number of the celebrititties that came before her, Tila’s crass self-exploitation for personal gain glorifies everything that’s wrong with the world and makes her a marketing genius. This is why we really hate her. Her self-published single, Fuck Ya Man, has been played 13 million times on MySpace. We recommend you not listen to it, lest your brain spontaneously fill with silicon.

One talent that has not yet been added to Ms. Tequila’s resume is that of Byronic Poet. This gem was lifted from her MySpace page. Can a book deal be far behind?

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile….brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Thank the fuck God indeed. And thank YOU, Tila Tequila.

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5 responses

23 07 2008
El

Hey, Ms. Tequila is totally a bisexual. She’s sexually attracted to men, and to herself.

23 07 2008
pulleywhipped

i think you just blew my mind.

24 07 2008
K Panic

“the world will soon die.”

god thats like totally deep like i feel that way all the time omg only tila understands me!!!!!!!!

14 08 2008
#11: Hating on Katy Perry « stuff bisexuals like

[…] Hating on Katy Perry 14 08 2008 Not since Tila Tequila (#3) has a celebrity been worthy of such scorn. Katy Perry is the hot new pop tart who croons that […]

24 08 2008
#12: Reclaiming Bisexual Celebrities…Except Anne Heche « stuff bisexuals like

[…] like Anne Heche , who proclaimed herself to be the second coming, or Tom Cruise or Tila Tequila (#3). So, while we promote Lindsay Lohan’s recent lezification, we’re not entirely sure […]

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