#19 The Rock?

15 12 2008

Apparently, bisexual men enjoy The Rock. What?

This was overheard by a confused clerk in a Minneapolis record store, while selling a copy of Game Plan.

The movie wasn’t that good. I mean, The Rock is hot, and I can say that, because I’m bisexual.

#18 Sia

9 12 2008

Thanks to Think Pink for the heads up on her music (and for generally being awesome).  We saw the CDs in Starbucks’ racks several months ago, but were very unsure what to make of it because of the cover.  Behold:

If only I were a bonafide GFY girl…anyway;

I’m going to let you read Think Pink’s review of her album and leave you with this, one of my fave songs from her on Hypem today: Electric Bird

This remix of Buttons is pretty fuckin’ fabulous too (better than the CSS Remix), especially for all you desk sitters at the 3:00 PM slump.

#17: National Coming Out Day

11 10 2008

We already told you about the revolving closet and how bisexuals can never really “come out,” which is why it helps to have nationally-recognized days of celebration in order to make our declarations, which are often taken as whimsical asides, really stick. October 11th is National Coming Out Day, where queers in the US come together to make terrible public service announcement videos and wear pink. Oh, and talk about awareness. As evidenced by the official logo,

today is the day we recognize genderless stick figures with Tourett’s syndrome impersonate Michael Jackson’s Thriller. Seriously, what is this about? It’s bad enough that the RAINBOW is the official palette of choice for all parades, potlucks and other media events (try making any rainbow outfit not look like you’ve just graduated from clown college; it’s impossible. Not even Lindsay Lohan can do it, and we LOVE LiLo).

As much as we loathe the rainbow, bisexuals do love any excuse to party and NCOD is just as good a reason as any. “It’s Thursday” is also a good reason. But in addition to the national holiday, we also have cause to celebrate because Connecticut just legalized gay marriage, making it the third state in the U.S. to do so. Only 47 to go! No matter that the US is behind South Africa on this issue, and they just discovered apartheid was maybe a bad idea.  In honor of our country’s progress, we highly suggest you go out with your pink triangles a’blazin’. Make a YouTube video! Craft a sign that says “USGAY” and wear it at the next McCain rally! Start drinking at 10am and don’t stop until the election is over! However you decide to mark the momentous occasion, know that we bisexuals are behind you. Literally. If your LGBT allies can’t give you a reach around, then I don’t know who will.

#2B: Google

27 09 2008

We knew there was more to why bisexuals love Google! Google supports equality and does not support discrimination in marriage, or Proposition 8. Just check out Google’s offical blog:

“9/26/2008 03:23:00 PM

As an Internet company, Google is an active participant in policy debates surrounding information access, technology and energy. Because our company has a great diversity of people and opinions — Democrats and Republicans, conservatives and liberals, all religions and no religion, straight and gay — we do not generally take a position on issues outside of our field, especially not social issues. So when Proposition 8

However, while there are many objections to this proposition — further government encroachment on personal lives, ambiguously written text — it is the chilling and discriminatory effect of the proposition on many of our employees that brings Google to publicly oppose Proposition 8. While we respect the strongly-held beliefs that people have on both sides of this argument, we see this fundamentally as an issue of equality. We hope that California voters will vote no on Proposition 8 — we should not eliminate anyone’s fundamental rights, whatever their sexuality, to marry the person they love. appeared on the California ballot, it was an unlikely question for Google to take an official company position on.”‘

happy (belated) bisexuality day!

24 09 2008

Being the flaky bisexuals that we are, we forgot to mention that September 23 is Celebrate Bisexuality Day. We didn’t know either! So strap on them boots and go tell your favorite  bisexual how much you appreciate them. Or leave it in the comments section and we’ll get the word out to every bisexual in the world. Promise.

More info about the day at BiNet USA and the always irrefutable wikipedia.

#16: Television super-duos

18 09 2008

That holy centerpiece of our lives (the television, what were you thinking?) has brought bisexuals a sacred iconography of bisexualism: the television duo. These days, television is overpopulated with with canned procedurals, one-hour dramas, general Law and Order and CSI spin-offs, and other tawdry mindless entertainment. But what separates a mere duo from a super-duo is mixed gender, sharp wit, sexual tension, and crime and/or generalized problem-solving. The quintissential super-duo is Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. Other super-duos include Bristow and Vaughn, Benson and Stabler, Grissom and Sidle, and Brennan and Booth. That damn Lost show has too many characters to count.

Seriously, who are these people?

What makes a super-duo truly super is the sexual tension. X-Philes hung on for years solely to see if Mulder and Scully would or wouldn’t. This sexual tension provides bisexuals with hours of masturbatory material. Of course, the super-duo has to be mixed gender, and both parties must be attractive. Otherwise, the dynamic (and appeal to bisexuals) falls flat on its face. Not many people wanted to be in a Briscoe and Logan sandwich. (Probably not many people wanted to be in a Grissom and Sidle sandwich either, but goddamn his DILF and her dykish gap-tooth appeal!)

There has to be danger, too, and a mystery to solve. Bisexuals are busy people, what with their brunches to run off to and cowboys to hogtie. You have to get and keep their attention with a compelling storyline. Or at least one with drinking game potential. (Drink every time Benson reminds you of your old therapist.) Sexual tension only sizzles when your super-duo is ten minutes away from death (hello, quickie).

Sharp wit turns a sexy, crime-solving duo into a sexy, crime-solving super-duo. We love our puns and we love our humor that appeals to our sexy brains. Bisexuals are easily bored, so television writers have to work hard to keep our attention. After all, the one we spend watching Bristow bring down government conspiracies is the hour we could be having sex with multiple semi-strangers. Sure, Mulder and Scully could have just talked, but without the wry, sexually-tense banter, it would be just talking.

While television seems to be taken over currently by supposedly smart ensemble shows (I mean you, Lost) and shows about sardonic loner differently-abled mavericks (and I don’t mean John McCain’s forth-coming reality show), there will always be a slot and an audience for television super-duos. At least as long as bisexuals roam the earth.

#15 Brunch

8 09 2008

Brunch exemplifies all things sacred to the savvy bisexual.  The word itself is a portmanteau; a word formed by combining both sounds and meanings from two or more words, thus sating our need to have column A and column B mashed up into a savory and novel column C.  It is a little of breakfast and a little of lunch; thus glorifying our openness to take all the world has to offer and wrap it up with a tidy little noun.  We get to network at brunch with our lover cum artistic collaborator cum cat sitter.  Brunch denies no pleasure, thus allowing us to indulge in our inherent hedonism.

All of that, and we get to be pseudo intellectuals: quoting Oscar Wilde, while drinking before noon! Yes, brunch is any bona fide bi’s favorite way to begin anew after a night long romp.

“Brunch is the meal you eat when you’re too drunk to get up for breakfast.” – Oscar Wilde

The notion of a bisexual having it both ways in the bedroom is standard, but we’d rather the fun not stop there.  If there’s any chance that we can have two favorites at once we’re going to take it, we’re gonna make our dreams come true, we’re doing it our way.  We like breakfast, but we might not be up in time.  We’re fans of lunch, but who has time to drop everything for a luxurious meal of crepes, eggs benedict and mimosas in the middle of the day?  Well sure the French might, but they’re advanced. Being bisexual is practically standard over there!  So in busy, puritan America we have to hunker down and have our both ways at one time.

Brunch also provides a nugget of opportunity to multitask.  While we may look to be simply dining on mixed meats and sweets we are also discussing the current opportunities for dance parties, theater gatherings, or writing projects.  We get to network with like minded insatiables, all while downing vodka in the name of being chic! If we seem excited it’s because we are! Brunch, people, it’s fantastic!

Not only can we plan our next yoga class/drinking session/book club during brunch, but we can be pseudo intellectuals while we’re at it.  Something about the word and idea behind brunch makes it just pretensious enough for us to languish in our role playing skills and banter about modern jackassery, like the fact that Oscar Wilde liked brunch.  Or there’s this impressive sounding tidbit, in France the actual policy is to say le grand petit déjeuner, or “big little lunch”, in order to keep Angloisms from soiling the language.

Not only is brunch for bisexuals, but for assholes, and that’s a good thing!  We need able bodied patrons at the table two over to amuse us while we snort into our bellinis and try to think up more examples of a portmanteau.

#14: Revolving Closets

2 09 2008

The kind of revolving closets bisexuals like isn’t the kind that holds a lot of different outfits. We do tend to have a ton of clothing, as we change our outfits as often as we change our minds, but that’s a topic for another post.

For bisexuals, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process. One day we are in the closet, the next day we are out, and then a week later, we’re back in. The bisexual closet door tends to resemble one of those revolving doors you see absolutely everywhere in Chicago. Depending on who we are dating or just sleeping with at the time, our closet status changes. We try to come out, but then we’re right back in. And then we’re just in the wrong closet. (Anne Coulter? What are you doing in here?) And then we’re open.

Events like National Coming Out Day leave us puzzled. We put on the rainbow boas and the “My Sexual Preference is Safe” pins, but no one believes us. We show up at national Pride events and bump into people who had no idea we are into that kind of thing. Or they embrace us as their allies in gaydom. Until the next month when we’re with someone else. Bisexuals are thought of either either really closeted gay folk or straight people who want to be like LiLo.

The gay community tends to suffer from collective biphobia because we get to dapple our toes in heterosexual privilege. When partnered with someone of a “socially acceptable” gender identity to match ours, we can hold hands, make out, and cuddle without frat boys either becoming erect or wanting to beat us up (or both!). But without wearing a HI I’M BI tee shirt (which I’m sure Urban Outfitters will start selling), we look like a nice, soothing straightie. Back in the closet we go.

While scores of folks have written about biphobia in the gay community, no one writes about biphobia in the straight community. Straight folk are wary of bisexuals. At any moment, we might change our minds and go gay again. And when we do, they scratch their heads and say, “I didn’t think you were serious about that bi thing.” Sure, they’re all about our raging bi pride until we’re actually doing something bisexual, unless it’s hot girl-on-girl gay-for-pay.

We are in a constant process of coming out of the closet because the bisexual idenitity is so fluid. We don’t care what you’re packing in your pant(ie)s, as long as you’re hot. Each time we get involved with someone new, we have to explain to everyone we know that, no, we’re not gay/straight/asexual/confused, we are actually still bisexual. Unless a bisexual is walking hand-in-hand down the street with two people of two different genders, the revolving closet it is.

But hey! We need the room for all our sex toys and S&M gear.

#13 The Wild West

31 08 2008

Brokeback Mountain is not a movie about gay people, and there are no gay people in it. There. I said it. Despite what you may have read in the many reviews that have come out about this new cowboy feature film, Brokeback Mountain is a bisexual picture. Why can’t film reviewers say the word “bisexual” when they see lead characters with sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women?  I am unaware of a single review of Brokeback calling the leads what they are–a sad statement on the invisibility of bisexual experience and the level of biphobia in both the mainstream and gay media.

Now for the best thing about Brokeback Mountain : Jake Gyllenhaal plays a bottom.” – Amy Andre, American Sexuality Magazine

No this post isn’t about bi-politics, but readers, don’t you worry it’ll happen.  For now we here at SBL are easing y’all in with the fun parts of bisexuality (and believe us, it’s like Doublemint up in here!). This post is about one of the many places that bisexuals like, The Wild West. Yeehaw!!

Where else, but the Wild West,  can two “straight” men be left alone to explore their more curved feelings?  It’s not that the dusty plains or cold nights turned Ennis and Jack toward each other, it’s that they didn’t have the rest of society whispering behind their backs about “fairies” and “Texas”.  Brokeback Mountain came along and the mainstream media rode that horse hard; two hot men love each other? No, no, it must have been lust – gay lust. Meanwhile the gay community went wild with smug, limelight catwalking, and countless hours of reminiscing about the good old bare-backing days. (Dear gay readers, nothing but love, pure, catty love.)

The Wild West is home to countless bi-satisfying stories and hobbies.  There are craft hobbies, to keep our fidgety hands busy, like tying lassos, making tin-can stoves, and (a bi-fave) hog-tying games.

The Wild West was also the place where women in America were first given the opportunity to show their stuff and prove that they’re as needed, strong, and bright as men.  The men were out driving doggies across ravines or wrestling in the dust all day and the women had to stay home and shoot jaguars away from the soft flesh of their children or dig fence post holes.  From my extensive research these women of western wiles did all this while looking might fine!

The Wild West was not only a place of equality, for the settlers, and freedom from stifling sexual mores, it was also the place where the existence of bisexuality as a known reality or option was already present.  The American Indians had long acknowledged a third sex, or Two-Spirited persona; a person attracted to both sexes:

“The Two-Spirited persona comes to us from the American Indians. Within American Indian tribes, a third gender was considered natural.  That spirit was chanelled to shamanistic practices, warrior activities, weaving, folk medicine and herbalism.  An American male nurse who visited an Apache reservation reported being surprised at a proud mother who came in to visit the priest and told him, ‘My 16-year-old son is attracted to other men.  We need to arrange for him to be initiated with the Medicine men.’

Of the 250 or so Native languages still spoken in the United States, at least 168 of them have been identified as having terms for people who are not considered male or female.” – Angie Bowie, Bisexuality

Wow, not only were they acknowledged, but that quote provides further proof into the relentless activity of bisexuals over time: shaman, warrior, weaving, folk medicine, herbalism…whew! How will he have time for dance parties and poetry readings?

There are two other things about the Wild West that appeal to bisexuals: the mythology of it and the fashion.  I’ll get into the former point some other time, but the fashion simply must be addressed now.  If there’s one thing bisexuals like (haha, As If!!) it’s playing dress up.  Any excuse to bend our wardrobe to our moods and we’re on it like flies on horse apples.  The Wild West is home to countless fun fashion play from lacey fringe:

to the beloved Western Shirt:

There’s also the chaps, boots, hat and then the riding accessories.  Ropin’ broncos isn’t just for macho bragging rights folks, no! You think those “straight” men aren’t thinking about how those old jeans make their butts look or how that hat accentuates their strong jaw lines?  You bet they are! Any cowboy worth his pork n’ beans isn’t going to be caught dead without the appropriate wear at the local rodeo, to wit:

Let us examine this picture here: It’s sunny and probably in a South/South Western state, where the normal clime is hot and dry.  This guy is sporting layers and he may tell you it’s to prevent horrendous ring rash from getting bucked off the angry bull he’s riding, but I don’t buy it.  To him I might say, “And what of the fringed chaps Mr. Cowboy? Is that going to throw the bull’s eye off course and keep him from goring you?”  I’m calling it, this guy…well let’s just say he wouldn’t say “no” to Jack’s pleas of “keeping warm” either.

And finally the reverse cowgirl.  A consistent bi-favorite named after one of our favorite spots to visit and dream of

Yipee-ki-yea mother fuckers.

#12: Reclaiming Bisexual Celebrities…Except Anne Heche

24 08 2008

“A bisexual is a person who reaches down the front of somebody’s pants and is satisfied with whatever they find.”– Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live.

The Gay Book of Days: An Evocatively Illustrated Who’s Who of Who Is, Was, May Have Been, Probably Was, and Almost Certainly Seems to Have Been Gay is not only on sale for 45 cents at Amazon, but is a kind of gay history lesson, recounting sexual affairs of famous folks from Shakespeare to Ma Rainey to whomever the hell Henri de Montherlant is. The problem is that a lot of the people he is outing as gay are actually bisexual. Whoops! Don’t tell Oprah or you’ll end up like that James Frey guy.

“‘We must identify the obvious, reclaim our writers, poets, painters and activists,’ say bisexual authors Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu, who list Anais Nin, Colette, Frida Kahlo, Walt Whitman, D.H. Lawrence, Langston Hughes, W. Somerset Maugham, and Tallulah Bankhead among those who have loved both men and women” (Marjorie Garber, Vice Versa)

Other bisexuals who are commonly mistaken or purposefully misconstrued as card-carrying homos and heteros are: Sappho (yes, the Greek poster-dyke), Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Ani DiFranco (more on this to come), Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, Tchaikovsky, Michael Stipe, Lord Byron, Emily Dickinson, Andy Dick (while we’re on the “Dicks”), Herman Melville (Moby Dick. What?), Eve Ensler, Judy Garland, Georgia O’Keeffe (who was Frida’s lover for a time), Marlon Brando, Cary Grant, Billie Holiday, Angelina Jolie (obvs), Janis Joplin, David Bowie (#4) Jack Kerouac, Kristanna Loken (from Terminator 3 and the one who burned Shane’s house down in season 4 of The L Word), Madonna, Elton John, Amanda Palmer (from the Dresden Dolls), Cole Porter, Anthony Rapp (Rent), Virginia Woolf, Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and on and on. To see a more complete list of bi celebs, go here.

Bis love to correct people about celebrities’ sexual proclivities, not only to provide some cultural visibility to the switch-hitters but because we need role models too. Like any minority group that is discriminated against, we need champions that can inspire us and make us feel smart at dinner parties. Which is why, dear lesbians, I’m sorry but Ani DiFranco is OURS. You can have Melissa Etheridge and Elton John (who used to identify as bi – to justify his wearing of purple fuzzy top hats?) but Shakespeare is totally our pinch-hitter. A rose bi any other name would NOT smell as sweet.

Of course, one reason that reclaiming bisexual celebrities is problematic is because it polarizes groups in arguments over sexual politics – pitting us versus them and making polite conversation into a kind of custody battle. We here at SBL are not out to further create rifts among alternate sexualities or genders, but we are pretty happy about Amanda Palmer playing for both teams. (call us!) The second reason it’s problematic is because then we also have to claim celebrities we don’t really like much at all, like Anne Heche , who proclaimed herself to be the second coming, or Tom Cruise or Tila Tequila (#3). So, while we promote Lindsay Lohan’s recent lezification, we’re not entirely sure what to do about some of the unpleasant bi products that have occurred during the most recent bout of bisexual chic, which started around the time that Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the VMA awards. Until Google (#2) comes up with a solution for that, consider Bai Ling an unfortunate, but necessary benchwarmer, for our all-inclusive team.