#7: Unintentional Porn

31 07 2008

The pictorial equivalent of a Freudian slip, unintentional porn is a much lauded internet sensation and has been known to show up anywhere from children’s toys to sports outtakes to rock formations.

Bisexuals especially appreciate unintentional porn, not only for its double entendre and heteroflexibility (see Puns), but because it allows us the rare opportunity to express the dirty thoughts/blog comments/casserole recipes that we are thinking about anyway, often without the provocation of something as blatant as this:

The bisexual mind is always apt to exploit and call attention to sexual misunderstandings, whether they involve Hulk Hogan

or HO-HOs

This is partially because we like to poke fun at either/or politics, wherebi sexuality is treated as a conclusion rather than a narrative and where bisexuals only exist when wasted in bars or as Republican senators.  (I’m looking at you Larry Craig!)

Another reason we like unintentional porn is because bis are often accused of not having clear intentions, i.e. being indecisive (see Sandwiches). A fag I met at a bar once told me that bisexuals “just can’t make up their minds” and I said, “I don’t have a problem making up my mind. For instance, I think you’re an asshole.”

Besides, there’s a difference between having desire for multiple people and not wanting to eat Jimmy Johns everyday for the rest of your life. (At least I think there is). Whatever “confusion” bisexuals may have toward trivial things like whether to eat the apple danish or the Danish Apple Store salesclerk, I assure you it has nothing to do with lack of intentionality. Unlike this, for example:





#6: Sandwiches

28 07 2008

Within a one mile radius of my apartment, there are at least three national chain stores and a handful of independent shops selling sandwiches. Any given day, I ask: do I want toasted (Quizno’s), fresh and crunchy (Subway), or soft and filled with avocado (Jimmy John’s)? There’s just something about the endless variety of what can happen between two slices of bread that bisexuals adore. You never have to munch on the same thing in the same way twice. Not to mention the religious epiphanies possible in your grilled cheese!

But lest this be derailed by exploring the merits of sprouts versus lettuce, multi-grain versus wheat, (to which the seasoned bisexual will reply, Don’t make me choose! I’ll have both!), there’s another kind of sandwich we like: the threesome. Given the possibilities for sandwiches, the sandwich satisfies the bisexual’s need to have the best of both worlds, have one’s Quizno’s and eat it, too.

Rare is the bisexual who has not been involved in a sandwich. The standard fare is one of one’s own gender, one of the opposite gender, but more exotic bisexuals also enjoy same-gender sandwiches and being the odd one out in the sandwich. For newly curious bisexuals, sandwiches are a safe way to explore bisexuality without making the commitment to be a card-carrying fan of Stuff Bisexuals Like. Sandwiches offer the possibility to try out new sex skills on someone of a gender you haven’t fucked yet, and the comfort of the guiding presence of someone already experienced in that. Think of it as a sex apprenticeship.

For more seasoned bisexuals, sandwiches are the perfect way to experiment. More than we already do. A Google (#2) search for threesome sex positions yields a wealth of possibilities for fun. (Once you turn your Safe Search off.) Three guys, three girls, two guys one girl, two girls one guy, basically three of anyone, and you get to access the depths of your creativity. Throw in some toys (strap-on, anyone?) and you’ll never get bored.

As much as we like sandwiches, we don’t like any and every sandwich. The internet is rife with straight couples trying to find their guest star. Any bisexual who openly identifies as such is target to their advances. Just because bisexuals like sandwiches does not mean we want you to ask us to be in yours. It’s considered in poor form to cold-proposition a bisexual for a sandwich. (Unless you see me on the street and want to buy me some Subway. To that I might just be open!) However, if we know you, find you attractive, and haven’t had our fill of your specific combination recently, we might just suggest it ourselves. We just ask you put on your favorite David Bowie (#4) album.








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