#7: Unintentional Porn

The pictorial equivalent of a Freudian slip, unintentional porn is a much lauded internet sensation and has been known to show up anywhere from children’s toys to sports outtakes to rock formations.

Bisexuals especially appreciate unintentional porn, not only for its double entendre and heteroflexibility (see Puns), but because it allows us the rare opportunity to express the dirty thoughts/blog comments/casserole recipes that we are thinking about anyway, often without the provocation of something as blatant as this:

The bisexual mind is always apt to exploit and call attention to sexual misunderstandings, whether they involve Hulk Hogan

or HO-HOs

This is partially because we like to poke fun at either/or politics, wherebi sexuality is treated as a conclusion rather than a narrative and where bisexuals only exist when wasted in bars or as Republican senators.  (I’m looking at you Larry Craig!)

Another reason we like unintentional porn is because bis are often accused of not having clear intentions, i.e. being indecisive (see Sandwiches). A fag I met at a bar once told me that bisexuals “just can’t make up their minds” and I said, “I don’t have a problem making up my mind. For instance, I think you’re an asshole.”

Besides, there’s a difference between having desire for multiple people and not wanting to eat Jimmy Johns everyday for the rest of your life. (At least I think there is). Whatever “confusion” bisexuals may have toward trivial things like whether to eat the apple danish or the Danish Apple Store salesclerk, I assure you it has nothing to do with lack of intentionality. Unlike this, for example:

#1: puns

“Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.” — Oscar Wilde

Whoever said “puns are the lowest form of humor” was probably not getting laid regularly. Puns are a form of wordplay that exists in all languages.They’re cheeky, exploit the multiple meanings of words and are the verbal equivalent of a double take. Come again, you ask? Bisexuals are the reigning pundits of the field because they operate on the assumption that nothing has a fixed meaning, much like sexual identity. In such instances, the pun is indeed mightier than the sword.

Take the term hasbien for example. This is used as a mildly derisive name for lesbians who have gone back to men, thus igniting a series of angry focus groups from dykes the world over. Instead of viewing ourselves as traitors, or policing others for the sake of political correctness, we decided not to go bi the book and instead created a humorous renaming in the word hasbien.

Another reason bisexuals like puns is because the word bi is infinitely pun-able. Take a quick look at these bi publications. Seattle Women’s Bisexual Network newsletter “North Bi Northwest,” “BiAngles” a bisexual zine, “BiCEP” the Bisexual Committee Engaging in Politics, “LeBiDo” and my favorite, the Queer Nation Bi Caucus, “UBIQUITOUS” (Uppity Bi Queers United in Their Overtly Unconventional Sexuality).

Other types of puns we like are Tom Swifties (“You’re average, he said meanly”), knock-knock jokes (Orange you glad I didn’t say punana?) and Freudian slips (when you say one thing but mean a mother). Like bisexuals, puns revel in the apparent contradictoriness of associations and make us think twice. And, just like condoms, puns should be used on every conceivable occasion.