#15 Brunch

Brunch exemplifies all things sacred to the savvy bisexual.  The word itself is a portmanteau; a word formed by combining both sounds and meanings from two or more words, thus sating our need to have column A and column B mashed up into a savory and novel column C.  It is a little of breakfast and a little of lunch; thus glorifying our openness to take all the world has to offer and wrap it up with a tidy little noun.  We get to network at brunch with our lover cum artistic collaborator cum cat sitter.  Brunch denies no pleasure, thus allowing us to indulge in our inherent hedonism.

All of that, and we get to be pseudo intellectuals: quoting Oscar Wilde, while drinking before noon! Yes, brunch is any bona fide bi’s favorite way to begin anew after a night long romp.

“Brunch is the meal you eat when you’re too drunk to get up for breakfast.” – Oscar Wilde

The notion of a bisexual having it both ways in the bedroom is standard, but we’d rather the fun not stop there.  If there’s any chance that we can have two favorites at once we’re going to take it, we’re gonna make our dreams come true, we’re doing it our way.  We like breakfast, but we might not be up in time.  We’re fans of lunch, but who has time to drop everything for a luxurious meal of crepes, eggs benedict and mimosas in the middle of the day?  Well sure the French might, but they’re advanced. Being bisexual is practically standard over there!  So in busy, puritan America we have to hunker down and have our both ways at one time.

Brunch also provides a nugget of opportunity to multitask.  While we may look to be simply dining on mixed meats and sweets we are also discussing the current opportunities for dance parties, theater gatherings, or writing projects.  We get to network with like minded insatiables, all while downing vodka in the name of being chic! If we seem excited it’s because we are! Brunch, people, it’s fantastic!

Not only can we plan our next yoga class/drinking session/book club during brunch, but we can be pseudo intellectuals while we’re at it.  Something about the word and idea behind brunch makes it just pretensious enough for us to languish in our role playing skills and banter about modern jackassery, like the fact that Oscar Wilde liked brunch.  Or there’s this impressive sounding tidbit, in France the actual policy is to say le grand petit déjeuner, or “big little lunch”, in order to keep Angloisms from soiling the language.

Not only is brunch for bisexuals, but for assholes, and that’s a good thing!  We need able bodied patrons at the table two over to amuse us while we snort into our bellinis and try to think up more examples of a portmanteau.

#13 The Wild West

“Brokeback Mountain is not a movie about gay people, and there are no gay people in it. There. I said it. Despite what you may have read in the many reviews that have come out about this new cowboy feature film, Brokeback Mountain is a bisexual picture. Why can’t film reviewers say the word “bisexual” when they see lead characters with sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women?  I am unaware of a single review of Brokeback calling the leads what they are–a sad statement on the invisibility of bisexual experience and the level of biphobia in both the mainstream and gay media.

Now for the best thing about Brokeback Mountain : Jake Gyllenhaal plays a bottom.” – Amy Andre, American Sexuality Magazine

No this post isn’t about bi-politics, but readers, don’t you worry it’ll happen.  For now we here at SBL are easing y’all in with the fun parts of bisexuality (and believe us, it’s like Doublemint up in here!). This post is about one of the many places that bisexuals like, The Wild West. Yeehaw!!

Where else, but the Wild West,  can two “straight” men be left alone to explore their more curved feelings?  It’s not that the dusty plains or cold nights turned Ennis and Jack toward each other, it’s that they didn’t have the rest of society whispering behind their backs about “fairies” and “Texas”.  Brokeback Mountain came along and the mainstream media rode that horse hard; two hot men love each other? No, no, it must have been lust – gay lust. Meanwhile the gay community went wild with smug, limelight catwalking, and countless hours of reminiscing about the good old bare-backing days. (Dear gay readers, nothing but love, pure, catty love.)

The Wild West is home to countless bi-satisfying stories and hobbies.  There are craft hobbies, to keep our fidgety hands busy, like tying lassos, making tin-can stoves, and (a bi-fave) hog-tying games.

The Wild West was also the place where women in America were first given the opportunity to show their stuff and prove that they’re as needed, strong, and bright as men.  The men were out driving doggies across ravines or wrestling in the dust all day and the women had to stay home and shoot jaguars away from the soft flesh of their children or dig fence post holes.  From my extensive research these women of western wiles did all this while looking might fine!

The Wild West was not only a place of equality, for the settlers, and freedom from stifling sexual mores, it was also the place where the existence of bisexuality as a known reality or option was already present.  The American Indians had long acknowledged a third sex, or Two-Spirited persona; a person attracted to both sexes:

“The Two-Spirited persona comes to us from the American Indians. Within American Indian tribes, a third gender was considered natural.  That spirit was chanelled to shamanistic practices, warrior activities, weaving, folk medicine and herbalism.  An American male nurse who visited an Apache reservation reported being surprised at a proud mother who came in to visit the priest and told him, ‘My 16-year-old son is attracted to other men.  We need to arrange for him to be initiated with the Medicine men.’

Of the 250 or so Native languages still spoken in the United States, at least 168 of them have been identified as having terms for people who are not considered male or female.” – Angie Bowie, Bisexuality

Wow, not only were they acknowledged, but that quote provides further proof into the relentless activity of bisexuals over time: shaman, warrior, weaving, folk medicine, herbalism…whew! How will he have time for dance parties and poetry readings?

There are two other things about the Wild West that appeal to bisexuals: the mythology of it and the fashion.  I’ll get into the former point some other time, but the fashion simply must be addressed now.  If there’s one thing bisexuals like (haha, As If!!) it’s playing dress up.  Any excuse to bend our wardrobe to our moods and we’re on it like flies on horse apples.  The Wild West is home to countless fun fashion play from lacey fringe:

to the beloved Western Shirt:

There’s also the chaps, boots, hat and then the riding accessories.  Ropin’ broncos isn’t just for macho bragging rights folks, no! You think those “straight” men aren’t thinking about how those old jeans make their butts look or how that hat accentuates their strong jaw lines?  You bet they are! Any cowboy worth his pork n’ beans isn’t going to be caught dead without the appropriate wear at the local rodeo, to wit:

Let us examine this picture here: It’s sunny and probably in a South/South Western state, where the normal clime is hot and dry.  This guy is sporting layers and he may tell you it’s to prevent horrendous ring rash from getting bucked off the angry bull he’s riding, but I don’t buy it.  To him I might say, “And what of the fringed chaps Mr. Cowboy? Is that going to throw the bull’s eye off course and keep him from goring you?”  I’m calling it, this guy…well let’s just say he wouldn’t say “no” to Jack’s pleas of “keeping warm” either.

And finally the reverse cowgirl.  A consistent bi-favorite named after one of our favorite spots to visit and dream of

Yipee-ki-yea mother fuckers.

#8: Multitasking

Popular belief has bisexuals running around dating anyone and everything: a bondage party with Sven on Monday, an L Word marathon with Alice on Tuesday. Lather, rinse, repeat. But honestly, what with our busy David Bowie-movie-watching schedule (#4), who has the time? This is why bisexuals are the best multitaskers you’ll ever meet. Not only can we combine our dates with Sven and Alice into one (#6), but we can Google (#2) directions to The Love Dungeon while on the phone with Chris, lining up our dates for next weekend.

This ability to multitask is not limited to dating life, however. G-Chat with a bisexual and you’ll never know that she’s having simultaneous G-versations with her boss, her mom, and her ex, all while making guacamole and watching Alias.

For this reason, bisexuals are unsurprisingly drawn to objects that represent multitasking at its finest. The skort?

While no self-respecting, Go Fug Yourself-reading bisexual would actually wear one, it’s pretty much the epitome of bi-purpose. Casual, but dressy! You can ride a bike in it, and then go to church! Or, whatever. There are many examples of items that allow you to maximize your efficiency: the spork, the belt that doubles as restraints, the TV/VCR combo. Bisexuals totally drool over the iPhone: you can email! Call people! Write novels! Look at YouPorn! What we really need, then, is a device that stops and rewinds time, thereby allowing us to be in two places at once, and, well, have our cock and eat it too. (Sorry.) Apple, get on it.