#14: Revolving Closets

The kind of revolving closets bisexuals like isn’t the kind that holds a lot of different outfits. We do tend to have a ton of clothing, as we change our outfits as often as we change our minds, but that’s a topic for another post.

For bisexuals, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process. One day we are in the closet, the next day we are out, and then a week later, we’re back in. The bisexual closet door tends to resemble one of those revolving doors you see absolutely everywhere in Chicago. Depending on who we are dating or just sleeping with at the time, our closet status changes. We try to come out, but then we’re right back in. And then we’re just in the wrong closet. (Anne Coulter? What are you doing in here?) And then we’re open.

Events like National Coming Out Day leave us puzzled. We put on the rainbow boas and the “My Sexual Preference is Safe” pins, but no one believes us. We show up at national Pride events and bump into people who had no idea we are into that kind of thing. Or they embrace us as their allies in gaydom. Until the next month when we’re with someone else. Bisexuals are thought of either either really closeted gay folk or straight people who want to be like LiLo.

The gay community tends to suffer from collective biphobia because we get to dapple our toes in heterosexual privilege. When partnered with someone of a “socially acceptable” gender identity to match ours, we can hold hands, make out, and cuddle without frat boys either becoming erect or wanting to beat us up (or both!). But without wearing a HI I’M BI tee shirt (which I’m sure Urban Outfitters will start selling), we look like a nice, soothing straightie. Back in the closet we go.

While scores of folks have written about biphobia in the gay community, no one writes about biphobia in the straight community. Straight folk are wary of bisexuals. At any moment, we might change our minds and go gay again. And when we do, they scratch their heads and say, “I didn’t think you were serious about that bi thing.” Sure, they’re all about our raging bi pride until we’re actually doing something bisexual, unless it’s hot girl-on-girl gay-for-pay.

We are in a constant process of coming out of the closet because the bisexual idenitity is so fluid. We don’t care what you’re packing in your pant(ie)s, as long as you’re hot. Each time we get involved with someone new, we have to explain to everyone we know that, no, we’re not gay/straight/asexual/confused, we are actually still bisexual. Unless a bisexual is walking hand-in-hand down the street with two people of two different genders, the revolving closet it is.

But hey! We need the room for all our sex toys and S&M gear.

#5: Talking about bisexuality in animals to validate our identities

You’ve probably heard about Roy and Silo, the two male penguins from the Central Park Zoo in New York, whose gay canoodling caused quite a stir, a book deal (that was soon to be black listed), and an uproar on Fox News, who instituted a Code Orange: Terrorist Armageddon alert on the evening news. A few years later, however, Roy and Silo became Ex-Gays. They, thankfully, underwent Heterosexual Reconditioning at the Church of Latter-Day Penguins. At least that’s the reason noted on the press release. Word on the street is that Roy left Silo because he never replaced the toilet paper, and even when he did, he let the dangling square unroll from the bottom, which is definitely on our list of “Reasons to Stop Fucking Someone.”

In reality, Roy and Silo were not gay, but part of the 1,500 species of wild and captive animals that have been observed engaging in bisexual activity. As Scientific American Mind recently noted, “Many species seem to have ingrained homosexual tendencies that are a regular part of their society. That is, there are probably no strictly gay critters, just bisexual ones.”

“Animals don’t do sexual identity. They just do sex,” says sociologist Eric Anderson of the University of Bath in England. But you know who does do sexual identity, Eric? The writers of this blog! Since bisexuality is so often invalidated as a legitimate sexual identity, one of the ways we counter this silly argument is with the help of Mother Nature, who makes an incredible spinach quiche, by the way. You’ll often be able to spot the bisexual at dinner parties as the one cornering someone at the dip table with a lecture on the bonobo chimp or the mating habits of black swans.

“Did you know that bisexuality in animals serves as a peace keeping strategy? I was reading Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape at the gym recently and it is just amazing what bisexuality can do to ease social tensions…much like this awkward exchange we’re having now!”

Playing the bisexuality-in-animals card allows us the indulgence of using scientific evidence to sanction our self-esteem. It also makes us seem nerdy-smart, which we think will score us points with the strapping young lad or lady in the argyle sweater-vest. Plus, bisexuality is so common in the animal kingdom, we think talking about it frequently will confer the evolutionary advantages to people who think bisexuality doesn’t exist or that it’s a cop-out. Though, we’re not sure if comparing our sexuality to fruit flies or whiptail lizards is really going to spark the intellectual discussion we so desperately seek. But until it does, we will continue the important crusade of outing animals like Roy and Silo, who, while championed as gay heroes, were actually just a couple of sluts. I mean, bisexuals.

#1: puns

“Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.” — Oscar Wilde

Whoever said “puns are the lowest form of humor” was probably not getting laid regularly. Puns are a form of wordplay that exists in all languages.They’re cheeky, exploit the multiple meanings of words and are the verbal equivalent of a double take. Come again, you ask? Bisexuals are the reigning pundits of the field because they operate on the assumption that nothing has a fixed meaning, much like sexual identity. In such instances, the pun is indeed mightier than the sword.

Take the term hasbien for example. This is used as a mildly derisive name for lesbians who have gone back to men, thus igniting a series of angry focus groups from dykes the world over. Instead of viewing ourselves as traitors, or policing others for the sake of political correctness, we decided not to go bi the book and instead created a humorous renaming in the word hasbien.

Another reason bisexuals like puns is because the word bi is infinitely pun-able. Take a quick look at these bi publications. Seattle Women’s Bisexual Network newsletter “North Bi Northwest,” “BiAngles” a bisexual zine, “BiCEP” the Bisexual Committee Engaging in Politics, “LeBiDo” and my favorite, the Queer Nation Bi Caucus, “UBIQUITOUS” (Uppity Bi Queers United in Their Overtly Unconventional Sexuality).

Other types of puns we like are Tom Swifties (“You’re average, he said meanly”), knock-knock jokes (Orange you glad I didn’t say punana?) and Freudian slips (when you say one thing but mean a mother). Like bisexuals, puns revel in the apparent contradictoriness of associations and make us think twice. And, just like condoms, puns should be used on every conceivable occasion.