#16: Television super-duos

That holy centerpiece of our lives (the television, what were you thinking?) has brought bisexuals a sacred iconography of bisexualism: the television duo. These days, television is overpopulated with with canned procedurals, one-hour dramas, general Law and Order and CSI spin-offs, and other tawdry mindless entertainment. But what separates a mere duo from a super-duo is mixed gender, sharp wit, sexual tension, and crime and/or generalized problem-solving. The quintissential super-duo is Mulder and Scully from The X-Files. Other super-duos include Bristow and Vaughn, Benson and Stabler, Grissom and Sidle, and Brennan and Booth. That damn Lost show has too many characters to count.

Seriously, who are these people?

What makes a super-duo truly super is the sexual tension. X-Philes hung on for years solely to see if Mulder and Scully would or wouldn’t. This sexual tension provides bisexuals with hours of masturbatory material. Of course, the super-duo has to be mixed gender, and both parties must be attractive. Otherwise, the dynamic (and appeal to bisexuals) falls flat on its face. Not many people wanted to be in a Briscoe and Logan sandwich. (Probably not many people wanted to be in a Grissom and Sidle sandwich either, but goddamn his DILF and her dykish gap-tooth appeal!)

There has to be danger, too, and a mystery to solve. Bisexuals are busy people, what with their brunches to run off to and cowboys to hogtie. You have to get and keep their attention with a compelling storyline. Or at least one with drinking game potential. (Drink every time Benson reminds you of your old therapist.) Sexual tension only sizzles when your super-duo is ten minutes away from death (hello, quickie).

Sharp wit turns a sexy, crime-solving duo into a sexy, crime-solving super-duo. We love our puns and we love our humor that appeals to our sexy brains. Bisexuals are easily bored, so television writers have to work hard to keep our attention. After all, the one we spend watching Bristow bring down government conspiracies is the hour we could be having sex with multiple semi-strangers. Sure, Mulder and Scully could have just talked, but without the wry, sexually-tense banter, it would be just talking.

While television seems to be taken over currently by supposedly smart ensemble shows (I mean you, Lost) and shows about sardonic loner differently-abled mavericks (and I don’t mean John McCain’s forth-coming reality show), there will always be a slot and an audience for television super-duos. At least as long as bisexuals roam the earth.

#14: Revolving Closets

The kind of revolving closets bisexuals like isn’t the kind that holds a lot of different outfits. We do tend to have a ton of clothing, as we change our outfits as often as we change our minds, but that’s a topic for another post.

For bisexuals, coming out of the closet is a lifelong process. One day we are in the closet, the next day we are out, and then a week later, we’re back in. The bisexual closet door tends to resemble one of those revolving doors you see absolutely everywhere in Chicago. Depending on who we are dating or just sleeping with at the time, our closet status changes. We try to come out, but then we’re right back in. And then we’re just in the wrong closet. (Anne Coulter? What are you doing in here?) And then we’re open.

Events like National Coming Out Day leave us puzzled. We put on the rainbow boas and the “My Sexual Preference is Safe” pins, but no one believes us. We show up at national Pride events and bump into people who had no idea we are into that kind of thing. Or they embrace us as their allies in gaydom. Until the next month when we’re with someone else. Bisexuals are thought of either either really closeted gay folk or straight people who want to be like LiLo.

The gay community tends to suffer from collective biphobia because we get to dapple our toes in heterosexual privilege. When partnered with someone of a “socially acceptable” gender identity to match ours, we can hold hands, make out, and cuddle without frat boys either becoming erect or wanting to beat us up (or both!). But without wearing a HI I’M BI tee shirt (which I’m sure Urban Outfitters will start selling), we look like a nice, soothing straightie. Back in the closet we go.

While scores of folks have written about biphobia in the gay community, no one writes about biphobia in the straight community. Straight folk are wary of bisexuals. At any moment, we might change our minds and go gay again. And when we do, they scratch their heads and say, “I didn’t think you were serious about that bi thing.” Sure, they’re all about our raging bi pride until we’re actually doing something bisexual, unless it’s hot girl-on-girl gay-for-pay.

We are in a constant process of coming out of the closet because the bisexual idenitity is so fluid. We don’t care what you’re packing in your pant(ie)s, as long as you’re hot. Each time we get involved with someone new, we have to explain to everyone we know that, no, we’re not gay/straight/asexual/confused, we are actually still bisexual. Unless a bisexual is walking hand-in-hand down the street with two people of two different genders, the revolving closet it is.

But hey! We need the room for all our sex toys and S&M gear.

#12: Reclaiming Bisexual Celebrities…Except Anne Heche

“A bisexual is a person who reaches down the front of somebody’s pants and is satisfied with whatever they find.”– Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live.

The Gay Book of Days: An Evocatively Illustrated Who’s Who of Who Is, Was, May Have Been, Probably Was, and Almost Certainly Seems to Have Been Gay is not only on sale for 45 cents at Amazon, but is a kind of gay history lesson, recounting sexual affairs of famous folks from Shakespeare to Ma Rainey to whomever the hell Henri de Montherlant is. The problem is that a lot of the people he is outing as gay are actually bisexual. Whoops! Don’t tell Oprah or you’ll end up like that James Frey guy.

“‘We must identify the obvious, reclaim our writers, poets, painters and activists,’ say bisexual authors Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu, who list Anais Nin, Colette, Frida Kahlo, Walt Whitman, D.H. Lawrence, Langston Hughes, W. Somerset Maugham, and Tallulah Bankhead among those who have loved both men and women” (Marjorie Garber, Vice Versa)

Other bisexuals who are commonly mistaken or purposefully misconstrued as card-carrying homos and heteros are: Sappho (yes, the Greek poster-dyke), Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Ani DiFranco (more on this to come), Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, Tchaikovsky, Michael Stipe, Lord Byron, Emily Dickinson, Andy Dick (while we’re on the “Dicks”), Herman Melville (Moby Dick. What?), Eve Ensler, Judy Garland, Georgia O’Keeffe (who was Frida’s lover for a time), Marlon Brando, Cary Grant, Billie Holiday, Angelina Jolie (obvs), Janis Joplin, David Bowie (#4) Jack Kerouac, Kristanna Loken (from Terminator 3 and the one who burned Shane’s house down in season 4 of The L Word), Madonna, Elton John, Amanda Palmer (from the Dresden Dolls), Cole Porter, Anthony Rapp (Rent), Virginia Woolf, Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and on and on. To see a more complete list of bi celebs, go here.

Bis love to correct people about celebrities’ sexual proclivities, not only to provide some cultural visibility to the switch-hitters but because we need role models too. Like any minority group that is discriminated against, we need champions that can inspire us and make us feel smart at dinner parties. Which is why, dear lesbians, I’m sorry but Ani DiFranco is OURS. You can have Melissa Etheridge and Elton John (who used to identify as bi – to justify his wearing of purple fuzzy top hats?) but Shakespeare is totally our pinch-hitter. A rose bi any other name would NOT smell as sweet.

Of course, one reason that reclaiming bisexual celebrities is problematic is because it polarizes groups in arguments over sexual politics – pitting us versus them and making polite conversation into a kind of custody battle. We here at SBL are not out to further create rifts among alternate sexualities or genders, but we are pretty happy about Amanda Palmer playing for both teams. (call us!) The second reason it’s problematic is because then we also have to claim celebrities we don’t really like much at all, like Anne Heche , who proclaimed herself to be the second coming, or Tom Cruise or Tila Tequila (#3). So, while we promote Lindsay Lohan’s recent lezification, we’re not entirely sure what to do about some of the unpleasant bi products that have occurred during the most recent bout of bisexual chic, which started around the time that Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the VMA awards. Until Google (#2) comes up with a solution for that, consider Bai Ling an unfortunate, but necessary benchwarmer, for our all-inclusive team.

#11: Hating on Katy Perry

Not since Tila Tequila (#3) has a celebrity been worthy of such scorn. Katy Perry is the hot new pop tart who croons that godawful mess, “I Kissed a Girl”. Bisexuals everywhere remember Jill Sobule’s 1995 ballad of the same name, which included the sweet lyrics, “And we laughed at the world” and the refreshing, “I kissed a girl / Won’t change the world / But I’m so glad”. It was a song about a foray into bisexuality that we could sing along to and be proud of.

And then came Katy Perry. Taking her fashion cue from 1960s soul throwback Amy Winehouse (guilty pleasure of bisexuals everywhere), Katy Perry purrs about kissing girls and a boyfriend so metrosexual it hurts on her new album. Countless blogs have been written about this song. Is it a demeaning exploitation of Girls Gone Wild gay-for-pay catered toward masculine fantasies of lesbians? With lyrics like “No I don’t even know your name / It doesn’t matter / You’re my experimental game”, Katy Perry is in the same league as tax-evading Joe Francis. She uses and dismisses an unknown cherry-Chapsticked woman in her quest for the social capital of a bisexual encounter. (“I hope my boyfriend doesn’t mind it”? Are you fucking kidding me?) Is it a fun romp exploring society increasing acceptance of non-hegemonic gender expressions? “Just human nature / It’s not what / Good girls do / Not how they should behave”. Possibly. But a better song would be “I Kissed a Girl (Fuck the Hierarchical Gender Binary)”. Now that I would listen to!

And let’s not talk about the music video. Katy Perry surrounded by lingerie-clad girls having a pillow fight. Did Joe Francis direct this video? Just to assure the straight folk everywhere, she wakes up safely in bed beside a dude, presumably the possibly slighted boyfriend (in Perryspeak, “bf”). Is this really want adventures in bisexuality looks like because damn, have I apparently been missing out. (In this blogger’s opinion, a far more enticing video is Dragonette’s “I Get Around”.)

There’s really nothing new that can be said her about her, other than the painfully obvious: bisexuals love to hate on this pop tart. Her pseudo-crooning pop drivel makes us want to go straight. (Shudder!) She reconfirms all those truly ridiculous bisexual stereotypes and embodies everything we’re sick of hearing about bisexuals. And this is spoken as a bisexual woman. Her anti-femme-boy dis “UR So Gay” would piss me off if I were a bisexual or gay man.

So, do us a favor, Katy Perry, and study up on Peaches’ “I U She”. Now there’s a song bisexuals can be proud of! (“I don’t have to make the choice / I like girls and I like boys”.) In the mean time, at least we can get our kicks hating the hell out of this British invasion wannabe. “I got so brave, drink in hand”? I think she just discovered the entire basis of the GLBTQQKIM movement. Hell, Stonewall started at a bar!

#4 David Bowie

A Googling (#2) for “David Bowie discography” helps us begin our quest for the undiscovered truth about why bisexuals love David “The Thin White Duke” Bowie. On the covers of his albums Mr. Bowie flaunts, juts, thrusts, glams, wigs, lounges and loafs in all his androgynous glory from 1965 to present (feel free to skip th mid-90s). Half of the 7,630,000 image results depict him as either Ziggy Stardust or The Man Who Sold the World. He obviously sold it so he’d have enough money to buy frocks, boots and lip gloss.

Bowie wrote the song, “All the Young Dudes” for Mott the Hoople, which was recently re-upped in fame because of it’s appearance in “Juno”. Allegedly the song is about rock n’ roll suicide, but the lyrics reveal more:

All the young dudes (hey you there with the glasses)
Carry the news (I want you)
Boogaloo dudes (I want you at the front)
Carry the news (now you all his friends)
All the young dudes (now you bring him down cause I want him)
Carry the news
Boogaloo dudes (I want him right here bring him come on)
Carry the news (bring him here you go)
All the young dudes (Ive wanted to do this for years)
Carry the news (there you go)
Boogaloo dudes (how do you feel)

Bowie’s a total Bi!! Don’t believe me? Here’s Mr. Bowie from a 1995 article in US Magazine, not long after a media bonanza was lit up by his first wife “outing him”. She reported finding him naked in bed with Mick Jagger one morning:

About 15 or 16 years ago, I got pretty tired of fending off questions about what I used to do with my [penis] in the early seventies. My suggestion for people with prurient interests is to go through the 30 or 40 bios on me and pick out the rumour of their choice.

See? Neither confirms nor denies! Which implies confirmation, as we all know.

The important part is not just that he is bisexual, hell being bisexual as a man is practically cosmopolitan these days. The point I’m making is that bisexuals love David Bowie unequivocally and not necessarily because of his musical prowess. He is married to Iman, the most outstandingly beautiful and fierce supermodel of the last 20 years, appeared in one of the best pop satires of the early 00’s, and was in the “Labyrinth”. More than all of that though is this:

The quest for the truth about why bis love Bowie will take more time; perhaps a four part series is in order? Hell, I’m going to need a manhattan and more pink eyeshadow for that.

#3: Hating on Tila Tequila

Model cum Actress cum Singer/Songwriter cum Fashion Designer (all terms as loosely defined as Tila Tequila’s asshole), this out and proud bisexual is a girl we love to hate. Not only because her sexuality can be summed up as “gay for pay,” but because she, like the incredibly talented Shaquille O’Neal, thinks that MySpace hits somehow equates to musical talent. A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, which aired in 2007, was the first bisexual-themed reality dating show, “where sixteen straight men and sixteen lesbians competed for Tequila’s affections, the twist being that the contestants were not aware of her bisexuality until the end of the first episode.” It took the contestants an entire episode to figure it out because they thought they had, in fact, signed up for a foam party.

When she’s not spreading her badonkadonk around MTV and the interwebs, she’s advocating for the rights of the sexually repressed. As she told Us Magazine, Ms. Tequla claims she’s responsible for the legalization of gay marriage in California: “It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Like any number of the celebrititties that came before her, Tila’s crass self-exploitation for personal gain glorifies everything that’s wrong with the world and makes her a marketing genius. This is why we really hate her. Her self-published single, Fuck Ya Man, has been played 13 million times on MySpace. We recommend you not listen to it, lest your brain spontaneously fill with silicon.

One talent that has not yet been added to Ms. Tequila’s resume is that of Byronic Poet. This gem was lifted from her MySpace page. Can a book deal be far behind?

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile….brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Thank the fuck God indeed. And thank YOU, Tila Tequila.