#13 The Wild West

“Brokeback Mountain is not a movie about gay people, and there are no gay people in it. There. I said it. Despite what you may have read in the many reviews that have come out about this new cowboy feature film, Brokeback Mountain is a bisexual picture. Why can’t film reviewers say the word “bisexual” when they see lead characters with sexual and romantic relationships with both men and women?  I am unaware of a single review of Brokeback calling the leads what they are–a sad statement on the invisibility of bisexual experience and the level of biphobia in both the mainstream and gay media.

Now for the best thing about Brokeback Mountain : Jake Gyllenhaal plays a bottom.” – Amy Andre, American Sexuality Magazine

No this post isn’t about bi-politics, but readers, don’t you worry it’ll happen.  For now we here at SBL are easing y’all in with the fun parts of bisexuality (and believe us, it’s like Doublemint up in here!). This post is about one of the many places that bisexuals like, The Wild West. Yeehaw!!

Where else, but the Wild West,  can two “straight” men be left alone to explore their more curved feelings?  It’s not that the dusty plains or cold nights turned Ennis and Jack toward each other, it’s that they didn’t have the rest of society whispering behind their backs about “fairies” and “Texas”.  Brokeback Mountain came along and the mainstream media rode that horse hard; two hot men love each other? No, no, it must have been lust – gay lust. Meanwhile the gay community went wild with smug, limelight catwalking, and countless hours of reminiscing about the good old bare-backing days. (Dear gay readers, nothing but love, pure, catty love.)

The Wild West is home to countless bi-satisfying stories and hobbies.  There are craft hobbies, to keep our fidgety hands busy, like tying lassos, making tin-can stoves, and (a bi-fave) hog-tying games.

The Wild West was also the place where women in America were first given the opportunity to show their stuff and prove that they’re as needed, strong, and bright as men.  The men were out driving doggies across ravines or wrestling in the dust all day and the women had to stay home and shoot jaguars away from the soft flesh of their children or dig fence post holes.  From my extensive research these women of western wiles did all this while looking might fine!

The Wild West was not only a place of equality, for the settlers, and freedom from stifling sexual mores, it was also the place where the existence of bisexuality as a known reality or option was already present.  The American Indians had long acknowledged a third sex, or Two-Spirited persona; a person attracted to both sexes:

“The Two-Spirited persona comes to us from the American Indians. Within American Indian tribes, a third gender was considered natural.  That spirit was chanelled to shamanistic practices, warrior activities, weaving, folk medicine and herbalism.  An American male nurse who visited an Apache reservation reported being surprised at a proud mother who came in to visit the priest and told him, ‘My 16-year-old son is attracted to other men.  We need to arrange for him to be initiated with the Medicine men.’

Of the 250 or so Native languages still spoken in the United States, at least 168 of them have been identified as having terms for people who are not considered male or female.” – Angie Bowie, Bisexuality

Wow, not only were they acknowledged, but that quote provides further proof into the relentless activity of bisexuals over time: shaman, warrior, weaving, folk medicine, herbalism…whew! How will he have time for dance parties and poetry readings?

There are two other things about the Wild West that appeal to bisexuals: the mythology of it and the fashion.  I’ll get into the former point some other time, but the fashion simply must be addressed now.  If there’s one thing bisexuals like (haha, As If!!) it’s playing dress up.  Any excuse to bend our wardrobe to our moods and we’re on it like flies on horse apples.  The Wild West is home to countless fun fashion play from lacey fringe:

to the beloved Western Shirt:

There’s also the chaps, boots, hat and then the riding accessories.  Ropin’ broncos isn’t just for macho bragging rights folks, no! You think those “straight” men aren’t thinking about how those old jeans make their butts look or how that hat accentuates their strong jaw lines?  You bet they are! Any cowboy worth his pork n’ beans isn’t going to be caught dead without the appropriate wear at the local rodeo, to wit:

Let us examine this picture here: It’s sunny and probably in a South/South Western state, where the normal clime is hot and dry.  This guy is sporting layers and he may tell you it’s to prevent horrendous ring rash from getting bucked off the angry bull he’s riding, but I don’t buy it.  To him I might say, “And what of the fringed chaps Mr. Cowboy? Is that going to throw the bull’s eye off course and keep him from goring you?”  I’m calling it, this guy…well let’s just say he wouldn’t say “no” to Jack’s pleas of “keeping warm” either.

And finally the reverse cowgirl.  A consistent bi-favorite named after one of our favorite spots to visit and dream of

Yipee-ki-yea mother fuckers.

#12: Reclaiming Bisexual Celebrities…Except Anne Heche

“A bisexual is a person who reaches down the front of somebody’s pants and is satisfied with whatever they find.”– Dana Carvey as The Church Lady, Saturday Night Live.

The Gay Book of Days: An Evocatively Illustrated Who’s Who of Who Is, Was, May Have Been, Probably Was, and Almost Certainly Seems to Have Been Gay is not only on sale for 45 cents at Amazon, but is a kind of gay history lesson, recounting sexual affairs of famous folks from Shakespeare to Ma Rainey to whomever the hell Henri de Montherlant is. The problem is that a lot of the people he is outing as gay are actually bisexual. Whoops! Don’t tell Oprah or you’ll end up like that James Frey guy.

“‘We must identify the obvious, reclaim our writers, poets, painters and activists,’ say bisexual authors Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu, who list Anais Nin, Colette, Frida Kahlo, Walt Whitman, D.H. Lawrence, Langston Hughes, W. Somerset Maugham, and Tallulah Bankhead among those who have loved both men and women” (Marjorie Garber, Vice Versa)

Other bisexuals who are commonly mistaken or purposefully misconstrued as card-carrying homos and heteros are: Sappho (yes, the Greek poster-dyke), Kurt Cobain, James Dean, Ani DiFranco (more on this to come), Eleanor Roosevelt, Alexander the Great, Tchaikovsky, Michael Stipe, Lord Byron, Emily Dickinson, Andy Dick (while we’re on the “Dicks”), Herman Melville (Moby Dick. What?), Eve Ensler, Judy Garland, Georgia O’Keeffe (who was Frida’s lover for a time), Marlon Brando, Cary Grant, Billie Holiday, Angelina Jolie (obvs), Janis Joplin, David Bowie (#4) Jack Kerouac, Kristanna Loken (from Terminator 3 and the one who burned Shane’s house down in season 4 of The L Word), Madonna, Elton John, Amanda Palmer (from the Dresden Dolls), Cole Porter, Anthony Rapp (Rent), Virginia Woolf, Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and on and on. To see a more complete list of bi celebs, go here.

Bis love to correct people about celebrities’ sexual proclivities, not only to provide some cultural visibility to the switch-hitters but because we need role models too. Like any minority group that is discriminated against, we need champions that can inspire us and make us feel smart at dinner parties. Which is why, dear lesbians, I’m sorry but Ani DiFranco is OURS. You can have Melissa Etheridge and Elton John (who used to identify as bi – to justify his wearing of purple fuzzy top hats?) but Shakespeare is totally our pinch-hitter. A rose bi any other name would NOT smell as sweet.

Of course, one reason that reclaiming bisexual celebrities is problematic is because it polarizes groups in arguments over sexual politics – pitting us versus them and making polite conversation into a kind of custody battle. We here at SBL are not out to further create rifts among alternate sexualities or genders, but we are pretty happy about Amanda Palmer playing for both teams. (call us!) The second reason it’s problematic is because then we also have to claim celebrities we don’t really like much at all, like Anne Heche , who proclaimed herself to be the second coming, or Tom Cruise or Tila Tequila (#3). So, while we promote Lindsay Lohan’s recent lezification, we’re not entirely sure what to do about some of the unpleasant bi products that have occurred during the most recent bout of bisexual chic, which started around the time that Madonna kissed Britney Spears at the VMA awards. Until Google (#2) comes up with a solution for that, consider Bai Ling an unfortunate, but necessary benchwarmer, for our all-inclusive team.

#11: Hating on Katy Perry

Not since Tila Tequila (#3) has a celebrity been worthy of such scorn. Katy Perry is the hot new pop tart who croons that godawful mess, “I Kissed a Girl”. Bisexuals everywhere remember Jill Sobule’s 1995 ballad of the same name, which included the sweet lyrics, “And we laughed at the world” and the refreshing, “I kissed a girl / Won’t change the world / But I’m so glad”. It was a song about a foray into bisexuality that we could sing along to and be proud of.

And then came Katy Perry. Taking her fashion cue from 1960s soul throwback Amy Winehouse (guilty pleasure of bisexuals everywhere), Katy Perry purrs about kissing girls and a boyfriend so metrosexual it hurts on her new album. Countless blogs have been written about this song. Is it a demeaning exploitation of Girls Gone Wild gay-for-pay catered toward masculine fantasies of lesbians? With lyrics like “No I don’t even know your name / It doesn’t matter / You’re my experimental game”, Katy Perry is in the same league as tax-evading Joe Francis. She uses and dismisses an unknown cherry-Chapsticked woman in her quest for the social capital of a bisexual encounter. (“I hope my boyfriend doesn’t mind it”? Are you fucking kidding me?) Is it a fun romp exploring society increasing acceptance of non-hegemonic gender expressions? “Just human nature / It’s not what / Good girls do / Not how they should behave”. Possibly. But a better song would be “I Kissed a Girl (Fuck the Hierarchical Gender Binary)”. Now that I would listen to!

And let’s not talk about the music video. Katy Perry surrounded by lingerie-clad girls having a pillow fight. Did Joe Francis direct this video? Just to assure the straight folk everywhere, she wakes up safely in bed beside a dude, presumably the possibly slighted boyfriend (in Perryspeak, “bf”). Is this really want adventures in bisexuality looks like because damn, have I apparently been missing out. (In this blogger’s opinion, a far more enticing video is Dragonette’s “I Get Around”.)

There’s really nothing new that can be said her about her, other than the painfully obvious: bisexuals love to hate on this pop tart. Her pseudo-crooning pop drivel makes us want to go straight. (Shudder!) She reconfirms all those truly ridiculous bisexual stereotypes and embodies everything we’re sick of hearing about bisexuals. And this is spoken as a bisexual woman. Her anti-femme-boy dis “UR So Gay” would piss me off if I were a bisexual or gay man.

So, do us a favor, Katy Perry, and study up on Peaches’ “I U She”. Now there’s a song bisexuals can be proud of! (“I don’t have to make the choice / I like girls and I like boys”.) In the mean time, at least we can get our kicks hating the hell out of this British invasion wannabe. “I got so brave, drink in hand”? I think she just discovered the entire basis of the GLBTQQKIM movement. Hell, Stonewall started at a bar!

#10: Asses

Nipples, yawn. Thighs, so last year. We as a culture have grown tired of the same body parts airbrushed and repackaged back to us magazine after countless magazine. America is in need of a new body part to fetishize, and the mainstream is finally hopping on the right caboose, to unveil the wonders of a body part that bisexuals have been adoring for years: The Ass.

“The qualities that make the ass ‘beautiful’ and ‘well-formed’ are not fixed, as sexual aesthetics of the buttocks vary considerably from culture to culture, from one period of fashion to another” says Wikipedia. And as Salon.com and Gisele Bundchen have taught us – The Ass is the new Crack (#1).

It’s no great secret that bisexuals love them some ass. Let’s take a look at the obvious, shall we? While other erogenous parts are hopelessly gendered, the ass remains neutral, and the qualities that make it arousing can be applied to anyone with hind quarters. And, aside from having the second highest concentration of nerve endings (the first being the genitals, obvs.), the asshole is also the equal opportunity orifice; it evens the playing field of sexual conquest and exploits the heteronormative dichotomy of penetrator/penetratee.

“The derriere isn’t a body part as much as an embodiment of personality,” claims the June issue of Elle magazine in its six-page spread devoted to the visible posterior. Of course, they were trying to hock their new butt-hottening regimen, which includes creams, waxing, tanning and massages that “facilitate lymphatic drainage, causing the skin to plump, making dimpling less noticeable.” Nothing turns me on like talk of lymphatic drainage.

Despite Elle’s general ass-hattery, they do have a point. The term “ass” can be applied to many situations and characteristics of someone’s personality. A short list: a “tight ass” (stingy) “pain in the ass” (annoying), “hard ass” (difficult), “haul ass” (urgency), “kick one’s ass” or “open a can of whoop ass” (to beat to a pulp), “get some ass” (sex) or “asshole” (jerk). If you extend the slang terms of ass more broadly, you can create a whole lexical stew of meaning and association – caboose, rump, tail, booty, backside, anal, tush, and my favorite, bottom, which connotes everything from Shakespeare to sexual proclivities.

Let’s explore this tunnel a little further (zing!). The verb to spank is the only one specifically meant for physical discipline of a specific part of the body. The ass is THE target for punishment, as a child’s reprimand yes, but more widely as a form of sexual pleasure. To be spanked adds a psychological component to pleasure and few masochists are wont to turn down a good paddling, as it provides some much needed humiliation, and also sexual healing.

Lastly, you didn’t think you’d get away without a reference to the bis (or should I say bi-peds?) of the animal kingdom (#5), did you? In addition to allowing primates the ability to sit upright without difficulty, the ass plays a necessary role for female baboons in attracting their mates. They have red buttocks that “blush” in order to signal their scandalous intentions, which brings new meaning to the term booty call.

#9: Meeting People Online

Since the dawn of the internet, since a complex of integrated computer systems sprung from the skull of Al Gore, people have been using this mysterious force for the purpose of what people do best: fuck, I mean, meet. Many groups of people enjoy the wonders of the internet (also known as teh intarwebz if you read too many macros) for various purposes. It is hardly the sole domain of bisexuals. Some groups also use the internet to network, but none do it with the flair and moxie of bisexuals.

Back in the day, this form of social networking was seen as dangerous, antisocial, or just plain weird, but bisexuals everywhere laughed in the face of social convention (what’s new?) and set forth into this brave new world. In the early days of meeting people online, I remember Oprah doing a show on a woman who met someone she thought was a man online and proceeded to marry him, only to discover he was actually a woman. This put the fear of the internet into the hearts of many straight folk everywhere, but not bisexuals. Hell, bisexuals failed to see the negative in this situation. Gender-bending spouse? Sign us up!

Bisexuals are all over networking sites like MySpace and Facebook, but we can also be found looking for friends and sex partners (“gender unimportant”) on Craig’s List. The first two allow us to change our orientation and what we’re looking for with a click of a drop-down menu. The latter is a sea of endless possibilities involving combinations of M and W.  Whether looking for a new friend or the love of our lives, we can easily surf the ‘net without interrupting our search for unintentional porn (#7) or stories about gay sea urchins (#5), thus maximizing our multitasking (#8) super powers. When looking for that light of our lives, we turn to True and eHarmony. Heh, just kidding about that last one.

No discussion of bisexuals and meeting people online can be complete without mentioning the Mecca of all bisexualitydom: OKCupid. This is one place where straight people are in the minority. Such a networking website couldn’t be more bi-friendly. With the option to search for guys and girls who like our gender, we could spend months combing this site for new friends. (Er, next up on SBL: when everyone knows everyone on OKC and the hilarious, triumphant, tragic outcomes.)  Practically everyone on this site is bisexual, kinky, polyamorous, and trolling for new acquaintances. But the kinksters, poly folk, and trolls need to get their own damn Stuff ______ Like blogs. With all the quizzes, questions, and tests on OKC, we bisexuals can thoroughly stalk our soon-to-be new friends before we even message them. Are you an Outrageous Polydactyl Madonna? Great! I’m a Simpering Hedgehog!

We love to gchat and text our new friends. We love to meet them for a game of Scrabble or perhaps some nachos and a whiskey at some shitty Irish theme bar. We love to discuss our new friends with our old friends, who we probably also met online. We love exchanging emails and discussing each other’s profiles and profile pictures. We just love meeting people online.