We interrupt SBL to bring you…

…this video. Which bisexuals will LOVE.

#8: Multitasking

Popular belief has bisexuals running around dating anyone and everything: a bondage party with Sven on Monday, an L Word marathon with Alice on Tuesday. Lather, rinse, repeat. But honestly, what with our busy David Bowie-movie-watching schedule (#4), who has the time? This is why bisexuals are the best multitaskers you’ll ever meet. Not only can we combine our dates with Sven and Alice into one (#6), but we can Google (#2) directions to The Love Dungeon while on the phone with Chris, lining up our dates for next weekend.

This ability to multitask is not limited to dating life, however. G-Chat with a bisexual and you’ll never know that she’s having simultaneous G-versations with her boss, her mom, and her ex, all while making guacamole and watching Alias.

For this reason, bisexuals are unsurprisingly drawn to objects that represent multitasking at its finest. The skort?

While no self-respecting, Go Fug Yourself-reading bisexual would actually wear one, it’s pretty much the epitome of bi-purpose. Casual, but dressy! You can ride a bike in it, and then go to church! Or, whatever. There are many examples of items that allow you to maximize your efficiency: the spork, the belt that doubles as restraints, the TV/VCR combo. Bisexuals totally drool over the iPhone: you can email! Call people! Write novels! Look at YouPorn! What we really need, then, is a device that stops and rewinds time, thereby allowing us to be in two places at once, and, well, have our cock and eat it too. (Sorry.) Apple, get on it.

#7: Unintentional Porn

The pictorial equivalent of a Freudian slip, unintentional porn is a much lauded internet sensation and has been known to show up anywhere from children’s toys to sports outtakes to rock formations.

Bisexuals especially appreciate unintentional porn, not only for its double entendre and heteroflexibility (see Puns), but because it allows us the rare opportunity to express the dirty thoughts/blog comments/casserole recipes that we are thinking about anyway, often without the provocation of something as blatant as this:

The bisexual mind is always apt to exploit and call attention to sexual misunderstandings, whether they involve Hulk Hogan

or HO-HOs

This is partially because we like to poke fun at either/or politics, wherebi sexuality is treated as a conclusion rather than a narrative and where bisexuals only exist when wasted in bars or as Republican senators.  (I’m looking at you Larry Craig!)

Another reason we like unintentional porn is because bis are often accused of not having clear intentions, i.e. being indecisive (see Sandwiches). A fag I met at a bar once told me that bisexuals “just can’t make up their minds” and I said, “I don’t have a problem making up my mind. For instance, I think you’re an asshole.”

Besides, there’s a difference between having desire for multiple people and not wanting to eat Jimmy Johns everyday for the rest of your life. (At least I think there is). Whatever “confusion” bisexuals may have toward trivial things like whether to eat the apple danish or the Danish Apple Store salesclerk, I assure you it has nothing to do with lack of intentionality. Unlike this, for example:

#6: Sandwiches

Within a one mile radius of my apartment, there are at least three national chain stores and a handful of independent shops selling sandwiches. Any given day, I ask: do I want toasted (Quizno’s), fresh and crunchy (Subway), or soft and filled with avocado (Jimmy John’s)? There’s just something about the endless variety of what can happen between two slices of bread that bisexuals adore. You never have to munch on the same thing in the same way twice. Not to mention the religious epiphanies possible in your grilled cheese!

But lest this be derailed by exploring the merits of sprouts versus lettuce, multi-grain versus wheat, (to which the seasoned bisexual will reply, Don’t make me choose! I’ll have both!), there’s another kind of sandwich we like: the threesome. Given the possibilities for sandwiches, the sandwich satisfies the bisexual’s need to have the best of both worlds, have one’s Quizno’s and eat it, too.

Rare is the bisexual who has not been involved in a sandwich. The standard fare is one of one’s own gender, one of the opposite gender, but more exotic bisexuals also enjoy same-gender sandwiches and being the odd one out in the sandwich. For newly curious bisexuals, sandwiches are a safe way to explore bisexuality without making the commitment to be a card-carrying fan of Stuff Bisexuals Like. Sandwiches offer the possibility to try out new sex skills on someone of a gender you haven’t fucked yet, and the comfort of the guiding presence of someone already experienced in that. Think of it as a sex apprenticeship.

For more seasoned bisexuals, sandwiches are the perfect way to experiment. More than we already do. A Google (#2) search for threesome sex positions yields a wealth of possibilities for fun. (Once you turn your Safe Search off.) Three guys, three girls, two guys one girl, two girls one guy, basically three of anyone, and you get to access the depths of your creativity. Throw in some toys (strap-on, anyone?) and you’ll never get bored.

As much as we like sandwiches, we don’t like any and every sandwich. The internet is rife with straight couples trying to find their guest star. Any bisexual who openly identifies as such is target to their advances. Just because bisexuals like sandwiches does not mean we want you to ask us to be in yours. It’s considered in poor form to cold-proposition a bisexual for a sandwich. (Unless you see me on the street and want to buy me some Subway. To that I might just be open!) However, if we know you, find you attractive, and haven’t had our fill of your specific combination recently, we might just suggest it ourselves. We just ask you put on your favorite David Bowie (#4) album.

#5: Talking about bisexuality in animals to validate our identities

You’ve probably heard about Roy and Silo, the two male penguins from the Central Park Zoo in New York, whose gay canoodling caused quite a stir, a book deal (that was soon to be black listed), and an uproar on Fox News, who instituted a Code Orange: Terrorist Armageddon alert on the evening news. A few years later, however, Roy and Silo became Ex-Gays. They, thankfully, underwent Heterosexual Reconditioning at the Church of Latter-Day Penguins. At least that’s the reason noted on the press release. Word on the street is that Roy left Silo because he never replaced the toilet paper, and even when he did, he let the dangling square unroll from the bottom, which is definitely on our list of “Reasons to Stop Fucking Someone.”

In reality, Roy and Silo were not gay, but part of the 1,500 species of wild and captive animals that have been observed engaging in bisexual activity. As Scientific American Mind recently noted, “Many species seem to have ingrained homosexual tendencies that are a regular part of their society. That is, there are probably no strictly gay critters, just bisexual ones.”

“Animals don’t do sexual identity. They just do sex,” says sociologist Eric Anderson of the University of Bath in England. But you know who does do sexual identity, Eric? The writers of this blog! Since bisexuality is so often invalidated as a legitimate sexual identity, one of the ways we counter this silly argument is with the help of Mother Nature, who makes an incredible spinach quiche, by the way. You’ll often be able to spot the bisexual at dinner parties as the one cornering someone at the dip table with a lecture on the bonobo chimp or the mating habits of black swans.

“Did you know that bisexuality in animals serves as a peace keeping strategy? I was reading Bonobo: The Forgotten Ape at the gym recently and it is just amazing what bisexuality can do to ease social tensions…much like this awkward exchange we’re having now!”

Playing the bisexuality-in-animals card allows us the indulgence of using scientific evidence to sanction our self-esteem. It also makes us seem nerdy-smart, which we think will score us points with the strapping young lad or lady in the argyle sweater-vest. Plus, bisexuality is so common in the animal kingdom, we think talking about it frequently will confer the evolutionary advantages to people who think bisexuality doesn’t exist or that it’s a cop-out. Though, we’re not sure if comparing our sexuality to fruit flies or whiptail lizards is really going to spark the intellectual discussion we so desperately seek. But until it does, we will continue the important crusade of outing animals like Roy and Silo, who, while championed as gay heroes, were actually just a couple of sluts. I mean, bisexuals.

#4 David Bowie

A Googling (#2) for “David Bowie discography” helps us begin our quest for the undiscovered truth about why bisexuals love David “The Thin White Duke” Bowie. On the covers of his albums Mr. Bowie flaunts, juts, thrusts, glams, wigs, lounges and loafs in all his androgynous glory from 1965 to present (feel free to skip th mid-90s). Half of the 7,630,000 image results depict him as either Ziggy Stardust or The Man Who Sold the World. He obviously sold it so he’d have enough money to buy frocks, boots and lip gloss.

Bowie wrote the song, “All the Young Dudes” for Mott the Hoople, which was recently re-upped in fame because of it’s appearance in “Juno”. Allegedly the song is about rock n’ roll suicide, but the lyrics reveal more:

All the young dudes (hey you there with the glasses)
Carry the news (I want you)
Boogaloo dudes (I want you at the front)
Carry the news (now you all his friends)
All the young dudes (now you bring him down cause I want him)
Carry the news
Boogaloo dudes (I want him right here bring him come on)
Carry the news (bring him here you go)
All the young dudes (Ive wanted to do this for years)
Carry the news (there you go)
Boogaloo dudes (how do you feel)

Bowie’s a total Bi!! Don’t believe me? Here’s Mr. Bowie from a 1995 article in US Magazine, not long after a media bonanza was lit up by his first wife “outing him”. She reported finding him naked in bed with Mick Jagger one morning:

About 15 or 16 years ago, I got pretty tired of fending off questions about what I used to do with my [penis] in the early seventies. My suggestion for people with prurient interests is to go through the 30 or 40 bios on me and pick out the rumour of their choice.

See? Neither confirms nor denies! Which implies confirmation, as we all know.

The important part is not just that he is bisexual, hell being bisexual as a man is practically cosmopolitan these days. The point I’m making is that bisexuals love David Bowie unequivocally and not necessarily because of his musical prowess. He is married to Iman, the most outstandingly beautiful and fierce supermodel of the last 20 years, appeared in one of the best pop satires of the early 00′s, and was in the “Labyrinth”. More than all of that though is this:

The quest for the truth about why bis love Bowie will take more time; perhaps a four part series is in order? Hell, I’m going to need a manhattan and more pink eyeshadow for that.

#3: Hating on Tila Tequila

Model cum Actress cum Singer/Songwriter cum Fashion Designer (all terms as loosely defined as Tila Tequila’s asshole), this out and proud bisexual is a girl we love to hate. Not only because her sexuality can be summed up as “gay for pay,” but because she, like the incredibly talented Shaquille O’Neal, thinks that MySpace hits somehow equates to musical talent. A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, which aired in 2007, was the first bisexual-themed reality dating show, “where sixteen straight men and sixteen lesbians competed for Tequila’s affections, the twist being that the contestants were not aware of her bisexuality until the end of the first episode.” It took the contestants an entire episode to figure it out because they thought they had, in fact, signed up for a foam party.

When she’s not spreading her badonkadonk around MTV and the interwebs, she’s advocating for the rights of the sexually repressed. As she told Us Magazine, Ms. Tequla claims she’s responsible for the legalization of gay marriage in California: “It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]. Then they realized, ‘Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.’ The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal.”

Like any number of the celebrititties that came before her, Tila’s crass self-exploitation for personal gain glorifies everything that’s wrong with the world and makes her a marketing genius. This is why we really hate her. Her self-published single, Fuck Ya Man, has been played 13 million times on MySpace. We recommend you not listen to it, lest your brain spontaneously fill with silicon.

One talent that has not yet been added to Ms. Tequila’s resume is that of Byronic Poet. This gem was lifted from her MySpace page. Can a book deal be far behind?

Thunderfuck my mouth is shut. Been a while, feel like a cunt.
Can’t wait for this drama to pass.
Oh the joy…..fuck you. My ass.
Live a lie.
Tell my mind.
Over soon. I can’t deny.
You will all soon see, the truth in my eyes.

Smile on my face, the loving embrace….but instead I’ll punch you in the face.
For a long time coming….I let you touch me….now that it’s over bitch….You better start running.
Pent up inside….telling these lies….this has gone too far…..the world will soon die.
Only 1 more day. To feel this way. Tomorrow I smile….brings another day!

Back to myself. Nobody else. Fuck all this bullshit. I’m back to myself. Yes. Thank the fuck God.

Thank the fuck God indeed. And thank YOU, Tila Tequila.

#2 : Google

Did you know Google will plan your next trip on public transportation accurately within five minutes? How about that Google allows you to search top academic databases without needing a university affiliation? Or that Google can text you defintions? Hell, Gmail powers the email account that lets me onto this blog. I frequently talk about Google anthropomorphically as in, “Well, Google told me I can be there in ten minutes”, or, “I’ll have to ask Google for the real statistics on that.”

I suspect that were Google really a person, Google would be bisexual. Which is why we love it. The infinite possibilites for experience available at your fingertips with Google mimicks the yearn of the bisexual. Google does it all. (Sound familiar?) And Google does it in such a clean, efficient way. Google’s page isn’t messy and distracting like Yahoo. Google gives you exactly what you want at that moment in time. It supports the frequency with which you may change your mind. Want your iheartmuff@gmail.com to send email from your penisiskeenest@gmail.com? Google will do it. (And god, I hope that’s no one’s email. Please don’t try it, bisexuals. I know you want to try anything once.)

Using Google to research this blog, I discovered that Google itself has a group of employees it proudly supports called the Gayglers. Not only does Google support its bisexual staff, it does so with a pun (see #1).

Google, when it’s legal here, will you marry me? If I’m still into that?

#1: puns

“Immanuel doesn’t pun; he Kant.” — Oscar Wilde

Whoever said “puns are the lowest form of humor” was probably not getting laid regularly. Puns are a form of wordplay that exists in all languages.They’re cheeky, exploit the multiple meanings of words and are the verbal equivalent of a double take. Come again, you ask? Bisexuals are the reigning pundits of the field because they operate on the assumption that nothing has a fixed meaning, much like sexual identity. In such instances, the pun is indeed mightier than the sword.

Take the term hasbien for example. This is used as a mildly derisive name for lesbians who have gone back to men, thus igniting a series of angry focus groups from dykes the world over. Instead of viewing ourselves as traitors, or policing others for the sake of political correctness, we decided not to go bi the book and instead created a humorous renaming in the word hasbien.

Another reason bisexuals like puns is because the word bi is infinitely pun-able. Take a quick look at these bi publications. Seattle Women’s Bisexual Network newsletter “North Bi Northwest,” “BiAngles” a bisexual zine, “BiCEP” the Bisexual Committee Engaging in Politics, “LeBiDo” and my favorite, the Queer Nation Bi Caucus, “UBIQUITOUS” (Uppity Bi Queers United in Their Overtly Unconventional Sexuality).

Other types of puns we like are Tom Swifties (“You’re average, he said meanly”), knock-knock jokes (Orange you glad I didn’t say punana?) and Freudian slips (when you say one thing but mean a mother). Like bisexuals, puns revel in the apparent contradictoriness of associations and make us think twice. And, just like condoms, puns should be used on every conceivable occasion.

yet another stuff ____ like blog!

you’ve probably heard of the uber-popular stuff white people like blog, and if you haven’t, then this blog is totally original.

anyhoodle, we’ve created stuff bisexuals like to bask in the awesomeness that is bisexuality, which often gets a bad rap, except in girls gone wild videos and Freudian tomes. we aim to dispel the myths, create some new ones and document a sexual identity that is often shrugged off as “a phase,” “a gateway,” “homosexuality lite” or “college.”

feel free to comment, nod your head vigorously or say “amen” to any of the following posts on those who like it both ways. we’ll like it. or maybe we won’t. it’s so hard to make up our minds!